ZITO DISAPPEARS, FEARED LOST FOR 7 YEARS

Zito In a shocking turn of events, Oakland Athletics’ free agent pitcher Barry Zito disappeared Friday without a trace, and may be forever lost- or at least for seven years, whichever comes first.  Zito was last seen Thursday evening, having a smashing brunch with Giants General Manager Brian Sabeano, who is also the mastermind and millionaire behind the gas prevention dietary supplement- Beano.  The Zito incident marks the fourth such disappearance of an Oakland A’s player in recent years, following the Jason Giambi disappearance in 2001, the Johnny Damon disappearance in 2002, and the Miguel Tejada disappearance in 2004.  Ray Durham also disappeared in that time frame, but no one was terribly upset over that.  The strange phenomenon surrounding the Oakland club has spurred A’s General Manager Billy Beane into action previously.  Beane spoke with SMB reporter Clyde McGoohan on Saturday and had this to say- "A couple of years ago, I decided that I couldn’t take watching my players disappear like that- into the fog, if you will- so I proactively traded Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder to Atlanta and St. Louis, respectively- wow, that’s a good word!  I’m impressed!  I just impressed myself exponentially.  Wow- I did it again!"  Beane continued impressing himself into the night.  SMB contacted famed seer, bonvivant and seafood impressario Icchhh von Oyster, who looked into his crystal ball, consulted the tarot, charged us $27 and told us that the spirit guides have told him that Zito will be gone for at least seven seasons- ahem, years.  SMB will continue digging to bring you the story, behind the scenes of Major League Baseball.  And peace to you, Barry Zito- may you find everything you’ve always wanted.  NOT in Oakland.

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